A month ago, I caught Covid. And a month ago, Covid-brain became part of my life.

I know I am not the only one who has felt sturdy when my mind is stable and strong. For those of us who have known otherwise, we have been desperately thankful for the years of a healthy mind. Because what we’ve known is still very much a disturbing, hard memory.

And where in the wide world is God when our minds fail us? And whatever do we do?

Short Is Best

Read short portions of scripture and short sections of books. Listen to brief bursts of audio content––books, podcasts (if you’re into those kinds of things!), sermons, music. Take part in short times of mental stimulus––meetings, calls, church services, groups of people––and be done when you reach your max. We can’t take it all in or do it all during these times, and I am having to learn that there is no shame in bumping up against my limits and stopping there.

The weakness in my brain has become Gandalf with his stick, “You shall not pass!”

(I have found KJ Ramsey to be a good choice to read these days, as she writes in a style that is intentionally short. And consistently reminds us of the truth of who God is and who we are.)

Ground Yourself in Reality

There are moments when anxiety, fear, and panic gets the best of me. And I go down all the paths of believing this is my new normal. Hopefully not. Perhaps it is. God only knows.

The only thing I know to do when I am mentally falling apart is to practice the age-old grounding tactics of locating those things I can see, smell, feel, hear, and taste. And hanging on tight to a cat (God knew what he was doing in so many ways when he created pets).

Rest and Sleep

I do not like being waylaid by a weak brain, but this ailment has thrown me upon my bed like I haven’t know in so many years. I am weak in mind and that extends to the body when I push too hard on my head’s capacity.

And there is a place for resting my head in the physical sense and also in the spiritual sense. Jesus is making me lay down in pastures. They don’t feel green to me, but just because they don’t feel life-giving, I want to trust that they are because he is a Good Shepherd.

I am also finding that extra rest is giving my soul time to catch up with my body. For me, this looks like embracing grief, loss, and sadness. There are things I’ve been carrying in my heart and head for months and years, and these days are days to write about them, pray about them, and cry about them.

In speaking about grief, Jessica Herberger says in her book, Peace in the Dark, “Replacing the idea of a finish line with a posture of patience is what makes all the difference.”

I want that to be true, both in how I deal with myself and also with others. Whether about grief or otherwise.

But This I Call to Mind…

At least for me, I have been bombarded with songs from 15 years ago, and haunted in good and hard ways with memories that many years ago and more. I don’t know why this is. Perhaps, it’s simply the brain finding old things in the process of trying to get better. Like pulling out a piece of clothing from a drawer and then putting it back with, “Not that. I’m looking for something else.”

There have also been many verses that have come into my mind.

So I choose to sit with the nuggets of truth in the midst of the dirt.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

“You are for me; not against me.”

“I work so hard, I fade so fast. This life begins and then it ends. I do the best that I can, but I don’t know how long I’ll last.”

“Wait on the Lord.”

“My heart and my flesh [brain] may fail, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

When I am weak, Jesus, you are still strong.

But this I call to mind…Jesus, and it’s in you I find hope. Your compassions don’t fail. Your mercies don’t run out. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. It looks and feels differently these days, but it does not mean it isn’t still there.

You are the same––yesterday, today, and forever.

This is my current lot. Teach me to say, “Because of you, it is still well with my soul.”